Sunday, December 2, 2007

Missing Her

Time marches on! The world keeps turning! Time heals all wounds!

I know that mostly, these things are true. But I also know that sometimes I can be brought to my knees in grief, and I feel the pain of a wound so deep that I think time will never heal it.

I decided I wanted to make an appointment with a nutritionist because little by little, my blood sugars have crept up. I've always thought I had diabetes all figured out, but lately, it has me a little confused. But I know it's nothing I can't figure out. I thought getting a some advice might help me figure it all out a little sooner.

As I walked up the steps to Dr. Lois office, I realized I hadn't been there since going with my Mom when she was undergoing chemo. As I walked up those exact steps, it occurred to me that last time I was there, I was with Mom (and Dad, of course). And a wave of such sadness- sadness I've only been familiar with surrounding her death- washed over me.

Once I got inside and saw Dr. Lois she said, "Hey girl! How are you?" and then, "How's your Mom?" I told her she had died a little over 2 1/2 years ago. She commented something like, "Oh, so it's been a while! I'm so sorry." And as I told her that yes, it had been some time now, but being in her office made it feel very fresh, I started to cry. In an instant, the crying started. This use to happen to me all the time shortly after Mom died. But it happens less and less often as the days move forward.

But since that little episode yesterday, I've found myself feeling so sad still today. I don't like to remember all my mom had to go through, and how brave she had to be. I just want to remember us laughing together and having so much fun together, because that's mainly how it was. But because my most recent memories are those of her when she had cancer, those memories are freshest. And that really sucks.

My Dad told me once when I was telling him how I struggle with those memories that he doesn't have that issue. His memories of her ARE of the good and healthy times. He told me whenever he starts to remember something sad, he quickly replaces it with a happy memory instead. I try that, and I'll keep trying that. Because I don't want my memories of mom to make me so sad anymore.

I can't imagine that I'll ever get rid of this ache I have for her-
The missing her I guess is never ending.
I hate to say it, but I don't really think that time heals all wounds.
But maybe it can lesson their pain eventually.


Valerie said...

Sending {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} your way. What a beautiful post.


Monica said...

I wish I could have known your mom. She sounds like she had a joyful spirit to go through what she did with a good attitude. You must have gotten that from her!

Sylvia said...

Hi Kerri, I was wandering through blogville today and stumbled upon your site for the first time in a while.

While what you wrote about missing your mother is sad, the love that shows through is so strong it could light the world.

I second sending hugs and the joyful spirit you show and add a bubble bath!