Monday, January 21, 2019

BLOOM

Up until fairly recently, I had lived my entire life in the concrete jungle that is Dallas, Texas. I never intended to stay in one place so long, but life flies by and the next thing you know, you've lived many decades in one city.

When I was in Dallas over the Christmas holiday, I went to CoAmerica bank to close an old account I had there.  I was chatting with the bank teller helping me, and she asked me where I moved, and then asked me why.  I told her we had always wanted to move to Colorado, and finally we just decided to do it.

"Oh, I can't imagine.  I would never want to live anywhere but Dallas," she said.

WHAT?!  I really was floored that anyone felt that way.  But it's true.  Lots of people love Dallas.  There's a pride many Texans have that I've just never felt.  This particular woman loved the heat of Texas summers, loved all the shopping and restaurants, loved having lived in the same place her whole life (and she was even older than me!), and had no desire to ever move.  The only thing we agreed on was that the traffic in Dallas is awful and that it gets worse each year. But this lady is willing to put up with that traffic, because well, she's deep in the heart of Texas.  She truly loves it. So, really good for her! Stay there forever if you feel that way!
 
I live somewhere that I love now.  Being surrounded by mountains and so many trails right out my door is so important to me. Places to shopping, and restaurants aren't nearly as convenient or as abundant as they were in Dallas, but for me, that stuff is NOT what I care about.  But hey! everybody's different, and that's a great thing!

I've heard that saying, "Bloom where you're planted."  I'd like to amend that and instead say, "Find the place that makes you feel in bloom, and plant yourself there."



Monday, December 31, 2018

Home

The other day in my Zumba class, one of the girls was saying that snow is in the forecast here on Christmas day.  I had to put my fingers in my ears and just say, "La la la la la...."- because I don't want to even think about missing a possible White Christmas.

We won't be spending Christmas at our home here in Colorado this year.  Our families and friends still live in Dallas, so we're heading there for the holiday.

I'll get to see Dad.  And my brother Fleetwood.  And my sister may or may not fly in, depending on when her friend's baby arrives. And of course, we'll see Fermin's family.  And some of our most special friends.  So I KNOW the trip will be worthwhile and fun once we get there.

But still, it's hard to want to leave HOME.   I've always been a homebody.  And now, more than ever.  I need to focus on the good things about going on this short little trip.  And remind myself that we will be back here soon.  And that THIS is where we live now.  Dallas is just a place we visit sometimes.

And there will be other White Christmases we can be here for. Until then, I'm just dreaming about it.

Friday, December 21, 2018

83

December 16th was and is Mom's bday.  This year, she would've been 83.  But she didn't get past 69.

Each year since she's been gone, I have always marked that day with self indulgence and self love.  I don't do anything I don't want to do on December 16th.  It's only good stuff on that date. And almost always, I go to the movies- usually by myself.  Mom and I both loved going to movies, and often went together.  My love of both movies and reading is at least in large part due to Mom's influence on me.

But this year, I didn't see a movie.  But, of course I was aware all day that it was her birthday. I checked in with both my brother and my sister.  And Fermin and I talked a little about Mom.

I was with Fermin all day, because it fell on a Sunday this year.  I didn't even think about going to the movies alone, as I usually do.  Instead, after I read for a long while in the morning, Fermin and I took the dogs on a walk, then later went on a long and beautiful hike, and then ate a good meal out.

Mom loved going to movies, but Mom loved Fermin even more, so I KNOW she'd be so happy with how I spent the day.

My friend, Kelly, gave me a few pair of socks that I just received last weekend.  A sweet shout on to Mom are on my feet today...
Thanks, MOM!!
She pretty much WAS right about everything...
flowers on my feet ❤️

Monday, December 17, 2018

the day my eye was raped

it took me a little while to feel like writing about this.
it was oddly traumatizing- as you can see from my title-and it took me a few days to recover.
but i want to write this, because i want to think more about how i let it happened and why it felt so violating.

so here's the story.

i went to the mall with fermin last weekend.  while he went to pick up his glasses at lenscrafters, i was killing a little time looking around at a couple of other stores nearby.

while i was in "salt attic",  i decided to throw away my drink, since holding it was making it harder for me to look at merchandise.  i tried looking for an employee to ask if i could throw it away, but never saw one.  i did, however, find the trash can, so i tossed my drink in.  immediately afterwords, some guy, maybe the manager or hopefully just a rude employee, picked it out of the trash, handed it to me and said, "uh-no- you can't throw that away here. you'll have to go and use the trash outside the store."  but i felt embarrassed that i had done something someone saw as rude.  it was not my intention at all.  i left the store, and found an outside trashcan and tossed my drink cup.

i tell this part of the story only because maybe that had something to do with how the next part happened.  the trash incident had me feeling weird and a little insecure i guess.

a young man at a kiosk grabbed me and asked if i would like a sample of some eye cream.  i don't remember saying yes, but i didn't say no.  i hadn't even had a chance to process what was happening until the next thing i knew this guy was rubbing creme right around one of my eyes.  he was talking a LOT, in what sounded like a russian accent.  i couldn't get a word in to say, "no, i don't really want you rubbing creme on my face."

he told me just like going to the gym for a work out, we need to take care of our skin.  he showed me a before and after photo of a 75 year old woman that was a smoker.  picture one was super awful.  the after picture was just meh.  like i said, she was an elderly woman- a lot older than me. so i didn't really see my current self in her.  but i felt like he did.  like maybe i was suppose to look at her improvement picture and think, "oh that's awesome!  i can look like her if i use this."

i guess that creme takes a certain amount of time to "work it's magic" so he kept talking and talking, a mile a minute, and asking me questions like if i had thought about botox, and what area bothered me the most- my eyes or my neck? then i became super self conscious about my eyes and my neck, which was probably his intention.

as he was handing me the mirror to take a look at my "after", he said it would look better if i didn't have any make up on- then he hands me the mirror and the eye he messed with looked worse than EVER.  his stupid eye cream had mixed in with some of my make up and it was blotchy and made my lines show up even more.

i looked at my face and felt so ugly.  he asked, "well, what do you think?"


i wanted to barf.  but just said, "well, i look awful actually. i hate this and i'm really uncomfortable and i hate your product..." without even looking at him, i got up from the chair-  (i don't even really know how i got there in the first place) and pretty much RAN though the mall to lenscrafters to grab fermin and get the hell out of dodge.

it was rattling.  i felt completely violated.  this asshole never got my permission to start rubbing crap on my face.  and then his words made me feel so ugly.  it was just so gross and humiliating.

no, my blood sugar wasn't low enough to excuse that i let this guy do this.  i seriously think it happened because i was wondering around, a little dazed, after the other man in the retail store made me feel like a rule breaker for throwing trash away without permission.  (stupid, i know, but it's all i got)

when i tried to explain it to fermin, he thought i was letting it get to me way too much.  and for sure, i was.  i'm still not sure why.  i don't know how it happened, really. and that made me even more upset, that i let this stupid guy make me feel bad.

if we take the sex aspect out of the definition of rape, i think my eye was raped in the mall last weekend.  the dictionary defines rape as "an outrageous violation".    and THAT, it was.

this is the product sample the rapist gave me.  and it's going directly in the trash can.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

The Rules of Magic

Book reviews tend to be a little boring, especially for anyone who hasn't read the book.  So I'll only do a very brief post about the book I just finished reading- The Rules of Magic by Alice Hoffman.

It's the prequel to Practical Magic.  Even if you didn't read that book, perhaps you remember the movie with Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock.  Now, for me at least, it's been so long that I don't remember all that much about it.  Thankfully, The Rules of Magic stands on it's own, and it doesn't matter if you've read the other book or not.

 It's starts off with this quote:

As soon as I saw that, I knew this was a good book for me.  I believe in love. Above all else.  And what comes to mind when I read this quote was how heartbroken I was when my dogs, Zoe and Scout died, both at the age of 15.  But after deep mourning for a few months- a few very long and miserable months, I found Lucy and Ricky.  The day I brought them home, is the day my heart got stitched back together and my capacity to love was even greater. 

This theme shows up over and over in the book...
"Love more. Not Less."

And, that beautiful theme closes out the book so perfectly...
We will all lose people (and pets) that we love. As I get older, I realize this more and more.  And although it makes me actually feel sick to my stomach when I think about it, I know that it's the human spirit to keep living and to keep loving- and to find more love. Otherwise, why would we go on?

The only remedy for love is more love.❤️