Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Not Too Far

Due to a technical difficulties (that really weren't really very technical, or difficult for anyone but me), I haven't been able to write in my blog much lately.  And it crushed me that I couldn't write a post on March 29th.  That date marks the year that Mom died, 5 years ago. 

So we're just going to pretend that today is March 29th all over again.

Whenever I think back to this time 5 years ago, it's feels like both just yesterday, and long ago at the same time.  I was just in such a fog at the time.  I think it's how we survive deep grief.  We become someone other than ourselves for a while, and we live in a different reality. 

I've since healed over from my Mom's death.  I still miss her, and get sad, but for the most part, I just have lots of great memories.  I can still hear her voice, and see her pretty face.  I use to fear that they would fade from my memory, but now I have hope that maybe they never will.  I still feel very connected to Mom. 

While I didn't get to write a post that day, I was able to put my feelings into a little song.
(Me and my studio are both in a bit of a mess, which explains my mysterious camera angle!)

I hardly can remember what our lives were like back then
I walked around in circles until you made it to the end
There was a stunning silence and a stillness in the air
I must have held my breath as I was drowning in despair

But your voice it doesn't fade
And now your face it doesn't change
I'm not sure now where you are
But maybe you're not too far

Back then I couldn't see what was right in front of me
I couldn't do the math that 1 and 1 and 1 is three
But the body wants to heal and the heart it wants to beat
Because life keep marching on after it knocks you off your feet


I had to adjust to this new version of us
It's not what I would chose, but I guess I'll have to trust
that it's just a part of life, it's a piece of the big plan
and it doesn't really matter if I don't understand


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Her Name Was and Is Lola

My Mom's mom, also known as my grandmother, was named Lola.  She was a showgirl.  No, not really, but she was a great, great lady that I loved a lot.

Lola was always patient and kind.  She was small in stature.  And beautiful.  She was musical~ played the piano beautifully, and I think she may have been self taught.  She got married at a very early age, and was also widowed at a painfully young age.  She never remarried.  Although I remember my mom telling me several men asked for her hand, but she wasn't interested.

We were just about all the family Lola had.  She had a couple of sisters that lived in Bonham, Texas- but other than was just us.  Her and my Mom were very close.  Not only did Lola spend every single holiday at our house, we saw her at least once a week, and Mom talked to her on the phone every single day.

I have been at a loss of what to name my latest guitar.  Nothing was coming to me.  Nothing seemed deserving enough.

Until today.  I was on a walk with  my dogs, and I saw a lady walking her puppy Shitzu calling after her, "Lola!!  Lola!!"  And I started thinking about MY Lola.  And how much I loved and admired her.  And the strong connection she had with Mom.  And I realized THAT is the name my new guitar deserves.  Small in stature.  Beautiful.  Musical.

Her name is Lola.  She is a showgirl.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Half Empty

Usually, in my blog posts, I try to have a somewhat positive outlook on whatever it is I'm writing about.  And that is true in my life.  Most days, I try to see the glass as half full. 

But today is not one of those days.  It's the opposite kind of day.

No, it's not a complete disaster of a day.  No one I love or even know has died.  I've got my health intact. And my husband hasn't abandoned me.  (Yet.  But he might once he gets home from work and experiences me as I am now.) 

I've had just enough stuff not go my way today that I'm sorta feeling like a failure.
I'm not a big fan of someone trying to book me for gig, but not really wanting to pay me, and instead telling me that it will be "good exposure" for me.   I'm also not a big fan of unsolicited advice, which I've had more than enough of today.

So there.
This is my bitchy blog post for today.
And right now, my glass is half-empty.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Been There, Done That

I have never liked the phrase, "Been there, done that."

I like it just about as much as I like the phrase, "'Nuff said."

When someone says, "Been there, done that", it just sounds like someone with a bad attitude.

But it totally applies to my blog post topic today.

Here in Dallas, we got a great (and rare) snow fall about a month ago.  When we woke up to heaps and heaps of snow, there was a lot of action and adventure out in my neighborhood.  Families were out building snowmen, making snow angels, and even sledding!  For that day, the block of my neighborhood to be one big happy family.

There were so many snowmen of all shapes and sizes lining our streets.  And they clung to life as long as they could.  I think some held on for nearly a week after the snowfall.

But soon enough, temperatures were back in the 60s and it felt like Spring long before it had actually arrived. 

Then, on the first official day of Spring, we had more snow.  This is a big, big deal here in Dallas.  We rarely see snow (rather than the occasional ice) even once during a year, let alone two significant snowfalls within just a few weeks.

But after this second snowfall, I walked out to get the morning paper and saw lots of snow, but not one single person was outside playing in the snow.  Not one single snowman came to life on my street.

Later on in the day, I was at a gig and was talking to some kids and asked them if they played in the snow before it all melted away.  They said, "No, we sorta did all that last time it snowed."  In other words, "Been there, done that."  (Altho, they didn't seem to have bad attitudes... They just didn't seem enchanted by the snow.)

When it snowed back in February, I remember thinking, "I wish I lived somewhere where it snowed more often during the winter."  But ultimately, I guess it would lose the thrill factor if that was the case.

It would be perfect, though, to get that big fluffy snow one time each winter.  Enough snow to make snowmen that last for days and days.  'Nuff said.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Music Monday- Stairway to Heaven- on a HARP!

Yesterday in the car, Stairway to Heaven came on the radio.  My husband and I sat in the car listening to it.  I've been thinking about covering that song lately, but wasn't sure how I would go into the part where Robert Plant starts to rawk!  So I just wanted to sit in the car and listen to the song in it's entirety.  But it's so long.  And we were in a hurry. 

So this morning, I visited youtube so I could listen to the whole song.  I stumbled across this version on the harp!  I never would've imagined that song on harp, but it was just lovely.  As is the girl.  Enjoy this different version of a classic song...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Month of March

It was this month, 5 years ago, that my mom was dying.  She was under hospice care at her and my dad's home, and we knew time was limited.  She died at the end of March 2005.  What a terrible month that was.  And urgh...that year.  The worst ever.

Up to that point, Mom had been battling ovarian cancer for about 5 years.  Not every day seemed like a battle, though.  Lots of days were happy.  But that damn cancer was always looming in the back of our minds.

The day the doctor told us that she had cancer and what that all meant, I started to realize Mom wouldn't always be around.  As naive as it sounds, I don't think I ever considered that one day, Mom would just be gone from this world.  Needless to say, that idea hit me like a heavy, painful ton of bricks.  But we still had many days together, and I don't think I took another one of them for granted from that point on.  And if there is any kind of blessing in this story about Mom, maybe that is it. 

By the very end of Mom's life, I don't think I left any words I had to say to her unspoken.   I think Mom had the chance to tell me everything she wanted to say to me, too.   And that, I think, is very lucky.

I could curse those 5 years Mom had to endure her illness.  And I could absolutely hate the month of March.  But instead, I choose to look at that time as time I didn't take for granted.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Right Where You Are

This was (obviously) taped on the same day as the little video I currently have up on my home page... This was in Granbury this past weekend at a little Wine Vinyard/Store.  It was some kind of Haiti Relief concert, but the organizers threw it together last minute and didn't seem to get the word out, so I don't know how much "relief" we were able to offer.

However, I LOVE playing with these two musicians, so it was still a beautiful and worthy day.
This is a song from my "Walk Beside Me" cd-- which is, by the way, available for purchase thru CDBaby

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Bachelor

I recognize it's a little sick that I'm about to sit down on my couch for the next 3 hours watching the finale of "The Bachelor" and then the "After the Final Rose" show.  What have I become?

I don't watch it, believing any of it is true.  I don't believe anybody's falling in love, let alone that one man is falling in love simultaneously with about 4 women at the same time.  No, that's not love.  I know better.

I'm not sure why I'm watching it.  But I've devoted many television hours the last several weeks to this sick little reality show.  There's no one on it that I've even liked.  If Jake, the bachelor, would keep his beautiful mouth shut, I might like him.  He's very good looking (AMAZINGly so, as a matter of fact), but once I saw him cry on Vienna's shoulder when he was scared about his upcoming bunjee jump, he just became a little too wimpy. 

All this crying, week after week, and all this drama has me yelling at my television set.  And maybe that's why I love it.  I can direct my anger at people and issues I don't even know or really care about. 

I've heard the ratings are up this season-  Higher than they've been in 5 years.  So I'm not the only one watching.  I just wonder, are there people out there who really believe Jake and Vienna or Jake and Tenly are going to live happily ever after.  And do they find it a little curious that it's down to the final rose ceremony and he's just not sure which one he wants to marry and which one he wants to break up with??!!

It starts in less than 10 minutes.  So let me make my prediction now.  Jake isn't going to end up with either girl.  Or he's going to call up one of the girls he's already ditched and beg them to come be his wife.  Who knows?  One thing is for sure tho... THIS is going to be the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER! 

Music Monday

One of the best CDs I bought last year was by Schyler Fisk.  Pretty much every song on that CD of hers is just great-  She uses great melodies, and I really like her voice.  It reminds me very much of Sheryl Crow's.

One of my favorite songs of hers is this one, Fall Apart Today (which, I think, should have been titled Don't Forget You Love Me).  I didn't realize until I started searching it on YouTube that it was used on the New Moon movie soundtrack.  I just knew it was from her fabulous CD, The Good Stuff.

Oh,  and just a bit of trivia--- She's Sissy Spacek's daughter!