Thursday, December 17, 2015

No More Silly Pictures

So you know what I hate?
And I know... hate is a strong word.  I try to save it for stuff I feel passionately against.

And here it is.

You know how when you're in a group photo of some sort, and you take one normal picture... but then~ BUT THEN, someone yells out, "Okay, now let's all do a silly face!"  And then everyone does some dumb face, or pose, or puts up bunny ears, or sticks their fingers up their nose, or whatever. Gross.
thank God i don't know any of these people

It's not fun for me at all.  And it's never funny when I see the pictures later.  It's just stupid.  And I hate it.

What I totally enjoy though, is when someone is caught off guard and has a stupid look on their face.  That is magic for me.  Unless it's me. Which most often, it is. But at least it's real.

But I think most people look awkward and not funny at all during the purposeful silly picture.

It's that time of year when people take lots of pictures with groups of people.  Can we please rethink this stupid spin on it?

I've just decided- just in this moment- that next time I'm asked to be "silly" in a photo, I'm totally not going to participate.  I refuse.  I will never regret that I didn't join in on the stupidness.

That is all.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015


Today is Mom's birthday.  She would be 80 if she were still around today.

I wonder so many things related to her~

Like really... is there a heaven?  Is that where she went? Or did she come back as someone else here on Earth?  And if so, will I ever find that person? I guess it's now proven to me that there is no such thing as ghosts... Because certainly, if it were possible, she would have visited me by now.  Or maybe those dreams I've had of her are real, and she has visited me- just not in a ghostly form.  She probably knew I'd get scared if she appeared as a ghost. There's only been one dream she came to me in that she did NOT have cancer anymore.  In all the others, she still had it, but had some time left.  And in the moment, even that was enough. Just a little more time with her.  What I wouldn't give for that...

I also wonder how losing her in my mid-30s changed me and the course of my life.  And how losing her changed the dynamic of our small family.  How exactly would things be different if she were still here?

I also wonder, what would she be like, as an 80 year old woman.  That sounds old, but Mom could have probably made it seem very youthful, if she'd had the chance. 

All I know for sure is that I love Mom. Wherever she is, wherever she went. 

Cheers, Mom- I know 80 would have looked great on you!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

The Saddest Song.

Today in in our yoga class, my teacher used the best music playlist ever. 

I've noticed the new trend over the past few years, at least at the yoga studio I go to, to play a lot of pop music.  Sometimes, when it's too upbeat, it drives me crazy.  It just seems wrong to have to listen to One Direction while in pidgeon pose.

Today tho, it wasn't that typical playlist.  It was all sort of sad and beautiful instrumental pieces. 

There was this one song in particular- I almost had to just stop the series of poses we were doing, and just breathe so as not to cry.  I'm not kidding. The music was so beautifully sad somehow, that I just wanted to get in a fetal position and cry. 

For the remainder of the class, I stayed aware of how many songs played after it, so I could ask my teacher what the "5th song from the end, while we were in tree pose" was.  It actually sort of ruined the rest of the class for me, but I thought, in the end, it would totally be worth it.  I was thinking if I couldn't ever hear that song again, it would be that same idea of when you meet someone just once that you like so much, but then as you're parting you know you'll never see them again.  Have you ever had that feeling?  I have.  And I felt that way about that song today!  I wanted to be able to listen to it when I could do a full blown, ugly face cry in the privacy of my own home. This could not be the end of the road for me and that song!!!

As soon as class ended, I went straight to my teacher and asked her about the song.  She told me she had no idea what song it was. WHAT?!?!?!?! NOOOOOO.  She told me she had just downloaded a playlist off of Spotify right before class and put it on shuffle.  She let me try to quickly listen to her playlist for a few minutes, and try to figure out my song crush... But I felt the pressure of time, knowing she was just standing there, waiting to take her phone and get on with her day.  I finally gave up and decided maybe I could find it on Spotify by getting a similar playlist.

So as it turns out, it WAS very much like meeting that person, someone I felt such a strong and soulful connection to, but realizing, the timing just wasn't right.  It was a chance meeting in the first place, and more than likely, I would never see them again.  Ever.  Unless fate steps in someday...


Monday, December 7, 2015

Little Set Backs in the Creative Process

I belong to a songwriting group and the rules are pretty simple.  Each week, usually on Tuesday, the "boss" of the group sends out a word via email. By Sunday at midnight, we are suppose to have written, recorded and submitted our new song, with that word somehow weaved into it.

It's fun.  And it's easier than it might sound.  It's weird how the brain works. Given a suggestion, a deadline, and very little pressure, nice surprises can happen.

I'm always happy after I've written a song.  Even if it's not a great one.  Even if it's sort of a shitty one.  Because I've created a brand new thing, that wasn't here before.  There is something very powerful in that, for me.

my biggest fans, and the only ones I'm NOT shy around
I got up a couple of hours ago because I was just sort of tossing and turning in my bed.  (Around 4am) I felt so unsettled because although I have written my song for the week, I haven't been able to record it.  My husband has not been traveling as of late, and has been working from home.  His home office shares a wall with my studio.  I'm super timid about the creative process if anyone- other than Lucy and Ricky, are around.  Believe me, I KNOW that Fermin isn't listening, and is far too busy with his own work to care what I'm doing in here. But I just feel stifled. And I know-- It's not him- It's me!

So as the tossing and turning stuff was going on, I thought, "Hey, I could get out of bed and record my song now- I will have barely missed the deadline.  By the time the rest of the people in my songwriting group wake up and turn on their computers, my song will be waiting for them in their inbox.

But it didn't turn out that way.  I played and whispered my song while I added and changed some of the lyrics.  So I was productive.  And it wasn't time wasted.  But our bedroom is just across the hall from my studio and I just couldn't sing above a whisper knowing someone might overhear me. So I still haven't made my recording.

I know this makes very little sense.  I'm recording it in the first place, with the intention that other people will hear it. So what is the big deal if Fermin (or anyone for that matter) hears me when I'm recording it?

But it is what it is.  And I am what I am. So my song won't be waiting for the song group first thing this morning.  But eventually, and hopefully sometime today, I'll find a little window of opportunity...