Monday, December 17, 2018

the day my eye was raped

it took me a little while to feel like writing about this.
it was oddly traumatizing- as you can see from my title-and it took me a few days to recover.
but i want to write this, because i want to think more about how i let it happened and why it felt so violating.

so here's the story.

i went to the mall with fermin last weekend.  while he went to pick up his glasses at lenscrafters, i was killing a little time looking around at a couple of other stores nearby.

while i was in "salt attic",  i decided to throw away my drink, since holding it was making it harder for me to look at merchandise.  i tried looking for an employee to ask if i could throw it away, but never saw one.  i did, however, find the trash can, so i tossed my drink in.  immediately afterwords, some guy, maybe the manager or hopefully just a rude employee, picked it out of the trash, handed it to me and said, "uh-no- you can't throw that away here. you'll have to go and use the trash outside the store."  but i felt embarrassed that i had done something someone saw as rude.  it was not my intention at all.  i left the store, and found an outside trashcan and tossed my drink cup.

i tell this part of the story only because maybe that had something to do with how the next part happened.  the trash incident had me feeling weird and a little insecure i guess.

a young man at a kiosk grabbed me and asked if i would like a sample of some eye cream.  i don't remember saying yes, but i didn't say no.  i hadn't even had a chance to process what was happening until the next thing i knew this guy was rubbing creme right around one of my eyes.  he was talking a LOT, in what sounded like a russian accent.  i couldn't get a word in to say, "no, i don't really want you rubbing creme on my face."

he told me just like going to the gym for a work out, we need to take care of our skin.  he showed me a before and after photo of a 75 year old woman that was a smoker.  picture one was super awful.  the after picture was just meh.  like i said, she was an elderly woman- a lot older than me. so i didn't really see my current self in her.  but i felt like he did.  like maybe i was suppose to look at her improvement picture and think, "oh that's awesome!  i can look like her if i use this."

i guess that creme takes a certain amount of time to "work it's magic" so he kept talking and talking, a mile a minute, and asking me questions like if i had thought about botox, and what area bothered me the most- my eyes or my neck? then i became super self conscious about my eyes and my neck, which was probably his intention.

as he was handing me the mirror to take a look at my "after", he said it would look better if i didn't have any make up on- then he hands me the mirror and the eye he messed with looked worse than EVER.  his stupid eye cream had mixed in with some of my make up and it was blotchy and made my lines show up even more.

i looked at my face and felt so ugly.  he asked, "well, what do you think?"


i wanted to barf.  but just said, "well, i look awful actually. i hate this and i'm really uncomfortable and i hate your product..." without even looking at him, i got up from the chair-  (i don't even really know how i got there in the first place) and pretty much RAN though the mall to lenscrafters to grab fermin and get the hell out of dodge.

it was rattling.  i felt completely violated.  this asshole never got my permission to start rubbing crap on my face.  and then his words made me feel so ugly.  it was just so gross and humiliating.

no, my blood sugar wasn't low enough to excuse that i let this guy do this.  i seriously think it happened because i was wondering around, a little dazed, after the other man in the retail store made me feel like a rule breaker for throwing trash away without permission.  (stupid, i know, but it's all i got)

when i tried to explain it to fermin, he thought i was letting it get to me way too much.  and for sure, i was.  i'm still not sure why.  i don't know how it happened, really. and that made me even more upset, that i let this stupid guy make me feel bad.

if we take the sex aspect out of the definition of rape, i think my eye was raped in the mall last weekend.  the dictionary defines rape as "an outrageous violation".    and THAT, it was.

this is the product sample the rapist gave me.  and it's going directly in the trash can.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

The Rules of Magic

Book reviews tend to be a little boring, especially for anyone who hasn't read the book.  So I'll only do a very brief post about the book I just finished reading- The Rules of Magic by Alice Hoffman.

It's the prequel to Practical Magic.  Even if you didn't read that book, perhaps you remember the movie with Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock.  Now, for me at least, it's been so long that I don't remember all that much about it.  Thankfully, The Rules of Magic stands on it's own, and it doesn't matter if you've read the other book or not.

 It's starts off with this quote:

As soon as I saw that, I knew this was a good book for me.  I believe in love. Above all else.  And what comes to mind when I read this quote was how heartbroken I was when my dogs, Zoe and Scout died, both at the age of 15.  But after deep mourning for a few months- a few very long and miserable months, I found Lucy and Ricky.  The day I brought them home, is the day my heart got stitched back together and my capacity to love was even greater. 

This theme shows up over and over in the book...
"Love more. Not Less."

And, that beautiful theme closes out the book so perfectly...
We will all lose people (and pets) that we love. As I get older, I realize this more and more.  And although it makes me actually feel sick to my stomach when I think about it, I know that it's the human spirit to keep living and to keep loving- and to find more love. Otherwise, why would we go on?

The only remedy for love is more love.❤️

Monday, December 10, 2018

Music Monday- YOU ARE YOU ARE by Lucy Schwartz

Because I recently discovered the Parenthood series (thank you, Valerie!) I was turned on to Lucy Schwartz, who had a song placement in one of the first few episodes.  I looked her up in Apple Music and realized I had bought one of her CDs years ago, but somehow she wasn't really on my radar.  Back in my CD buying days, I would go through phases of buying so much music all at once, there wasn't enough time to really listen to any of it.  Too bad for me, I didn't realize how great she was all those years ago.

But now, I know. Better late than never, I say.

I started listening to her music this past week and although I love all of it, this particular song stood out.  And by stood out, I mean I listened to it on repeat probably a dozen or more times in a row.  And loved it more with every listen.  I can't stop listening to it and humming it all my waking hours now.  And I think I dream about that melody at night...

It's my favorite type of song.  It sounds lovely, and sad, and although the lyrics aren't especially complicated, I don't really know exactly what it all means.  But I feel what it means. The CD version of the song has cello, and the cello can't help but make you feel something- and DEEPLY.

AND as a bonus, her name is Lucy.  What's not to love here?

So here it is- a live version of "You Are You Are", by Lucy Schwartz.  My new favorite.
(Please note, that there is no cello on this version- you'll have to find her "Keep Me" EP for that-)

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Man Down!

We got a little snow a couple of nights ago.  Only enough to get a little dusting on things.  Oh, and enough to make me WIPE OUT while I was walking Lucy.

my snow covered walking path
I was being super careful at the beginning of our walk.  It was such a light coating of snow that I wasn't sure if it was snow or ice, or both.
I realized, it was just snow- Not even slushy.  And not slippery at all.  The snow had melted away in more places than not.  I was also very careful when I would walk over the melted parts because being such a cold day, I knew there was likely some icy parts mixed in.
When Lucy and I were nearly home, I hit a slippery patch that caught me off guard and I lost my balance and fell.  It seemed like it happened in slow motion, and I can even remember fighting the fall at first but then finally succumbing to it and thinking, "Oh well, screw this, I'm just gonna fall."  I was so bundled up that my coat and gloves seemed to soften the smack of the pavement.  My left hand, which caught my fall, felt a little burn and my hip felt slightly wonky, but just like my dogs do when they take a tumble, I stood up and shook it off (after looking around to make sure no one saw me because falling is so embarrassing!).

I thought I was okay. 

Once I got home, I noticed how sore the heel of my palm was. And of course, that makes sense!  One little part of my body got smacked by the cement supporting all 100 lbs of me.  But not really a big deal...

UNTIL the day wore on, and things got much worse.  And then, this morning- HOLY YIKES.

Although I haven't gone to a doctor, I have looked on WebMD and I'm pretty sure, about 99.9% sure, that I have a sprained wrist.  I guess everything in my hand is just super swollen so I can't move my fingers or my wrist barely at all without severe pain. 

So it's Advil, ice, and elevation for a few days.  Which I know doesn't sound like a big deal, and in the whole scheme of things, it isn't.

BUT, I had to close down Santa's workshop for a few days and that sucks!  Fermin is out of town, and I had big plans on how I was going to stay busy over the next several days and it ALL involved using my hands to make stuff! 

Just like getting sick makes us appreciate our health that we typically take for granted, this injury has me just in awe of ALL that our hands do, and how hard everything is when they're not functioning properly.  Washing hair, brushing teeth, cooking, playing guitar, crafts, holding a water glass, putting on clothes, taking off jewelry, holding a book to read, toweling off after a bath, putting a chip clip on a bag of chips,... oh my G, it's ENDLESS!!!

So heal up, little hand.  You make life so much better.  Come back to me as soon as you can.  One day without you being yourself has already been more than I can bear.


Monday, December 3, 2018

Music Monday- and a little repurposed jewelry.

Someone gave me a stash of vintage jewelry many months ago- maybe even more than a year ago- and in that stash was this cute little roller skate.

I'm finally getting around to using this skate charm in a necklace I'm making for a friend's Christmas present.  The skate's a little beat up, but I think a roller skate from the late 60s should be a little beat up so I'm cool with it!

And as I made this necklace...
...I listened to "Brand New Key" on play repeat over and over and over.

I have no idea why, but I always thought this song was by Janis Joplin.  But alas, nope.  It's sung by Melanie, who prior to today, I had never heard of, even though, obviously- I was familiar with this song.

I think I'm gonna get my guitar out and cover this song.  And I'm probably gonna put on this necklace while I sing it!  Because what's old is new again, in music and in jewelry! :)

Enjoy, Music Monday's "Brand New Key" by Melanie.