Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Mom

I'm up late. Not feeling like I could possibly go to sleep right now.  I've had these insomnia nights a lot lately.

But tonight, it feels even worse.

I'm just weepy.

And it dawned on me...My mom died today 6 years ago.  I know that date, March 29.  And I know when it's creeping up.  So it's not like it hit me out of nowhere.  But I hadn't made the connection that it was actually toDAY.

But I keep asking myself, "What is up?  Why so gloomy?"  Especially when I've got happy things to think about right now.

And the all of the sudden, I thought, "Well yes, I always get this way around the date Mom died..." but then realized it's more than just around the date- It's March 29th.

It's different now than it was in the beginning of missing her.   With each year that goes by, she seems further away from me.  It's been 6 years since I've seen her face.  Or heard her voice. 

But on lucky days, her spirit still feels a close to me.  Just the other day, while I was running by the lake, thinking about how well certain things are moving along right now, something red zoomed past me.  So fast that for a split second, I thought someone had thrown a red frisbee by my face and just barely missed hitting me.  But I looked over, and it was a Red Cardinal that had nearly brushed my cheek.  And as I've mentioned here before, I always think of Mom when I see a Cardinal.

Maybe Mom tries to touch me.  And speak to me.  Sometimes I can almost hear her...  But I still so miss the physical Mom that I lost 6 years ago.

15 comments:

giftsofthejourney said...

I bet that cardinal WAS a little message from your mom trying to let you know that she still sees you and feels your energy on the good days as well as the difficult ones.

How lovely it must be to have had such a sweet connection that you miss her so much. I envy that.

I hope you can find a way to hold her close today even if only in your heart and memories.

Jadyn said...

How special that a cardinal came so close to you at that moment. So sorry for the loss of your Mom, Kerri, I am sure that in some ways it just doesn't get easier. Your relationship must have been so special, I can imagine you must feel the loss of her so keenly. I am sorry that you've been dealing with insomnia, I hope you'll be sleeping more soundly again soon. xx

ps. Still awaiting the arrival of your cd, will let you know as soon as it gets here, I promise!

Roberta said...

My Dad died six years ago last November and I so get what you are saying/feeling. My Dad plays with our lights. It freaked me out in the beginning when lights around my house were always being shut off and I'd blame my DH and we'd even get into arguments about it. Then my sister told me..."it's Dad"...and we'd look at her like she was nuts! Then she told us that sprirts often communicate with us electronically and my Dad was always a stickler about shutting off the lights when we left a room. Being an independent adult...I rebeled when I could pay my own light bill and chose to "leave my lights on if I wanted to"....lol SO it only made sense that he'd try to communicate with us that way. BUT it did freak me out at first and now I'm calm about it...it actually makes me laugh to myself when I catch myself asking DH...did you shut off that light? Wishing you all the best today. Fondly, Roberta

Gwynnie B said...

The heart ALWAYS knows, even if it takes our brain awhile to catch up! And I do believe the cardinal is a spirit guide for you, reminding you of the love of your mom and showing you it's all good :)

Richie's mom died Friday and he still wants to call her to share things with her. Death is a hard one for everyone to deal with but we must live Life through it, and in turn we have richer lives for it.

Thinking of you during this special time of year for you, sistah, and sending much love and light to you in Texas =-)

xo
Gwynnie

Lis said...

I have had this experience with my dad ... it's been 4 1/2 years and the date also creeps up on me. And that cardinal was certainly your mom reaching out to you! Traditional interpretations of cardinal's meaning including finding your soul's song, strength through creativity and understanding your importance, and tending to your energy/vitality (taking care of yourself). Sounds like the kinds of things our mothers try to teach us :)

xo Lis

Elaine Copeland said...

No doubt she is right there beside you...

Marie a la Mode said...

I love the story of the cardinal, Kerri.

Hugs to you xoxo

jacqueline said...

Dearest sweeet kerri, it's wonderful to get back in the swing of things here on blogland. I am so so sorry for your lost. I love your story of the cardinal and it's so special! It's no doubt that your mama is right beside you. I hope you are feeling much better and you manage to get some rest. Have a lovely merry happy weekend and love to you!

Robin Norgren said...

xoxo (HUG) no words just peace coming your way...

erin carver said...

Sending you lots of warm thoughts Kerri, I hope you are sleeping better. I can only imagine all the feelings you must have around this time... your story of the cardinal is so beautiful, and a sure sign that your lovely mum is truly watching over you. Hugs!

bobbi said...

Hugs Kerri, i hope you can sleep now. I still have both my parents, but I have lost my adored grandad, I know how it feels. big kiss.

Rob said...

I haven't stopped by here in a little while but it's rather coincidental that this post comes up as I'm reading a book called "Walking in the Garden of Souls."

It's a very interesting read and the author says the souls of loved DO in fact attempt to communicate with us to give us solace as we go about our lives.

Perhaps that little red cardinal was a little sign from your momma saying she's still nearby... watching and would suspect, listening to the great stuff your putting out.

Mucho big hugs to you from down south.
Rob

Lisa said...

On May 1st it will be six years that my mom has been gone too... It's hard to believe sometimes.
I'm sure that cardinal was your mom sending you a message and letting you know she is near. I hope that brings you some peace although I know how much you would love to have her right here with you physically. I know...

adee said...

My heart goes out to you Kerri!
Do you dream of her? I understand that we can visit with our loved ones that live in the other reality when we go to sleep at night.

Perhaps you can ask to do that consciously...
Much love to you Kerri!

PS Thank you for visiting my blog few weeks ago.

Andy Morris said...

My mom passed away March 15th 2 years ago, I know just how you feel. The little things that trigger fond memories.